A young Gayle sits on the living room floor watching TV. Passing in and out of the room are Gayle’s MOM GLORIA and STEPDAD ART.
The adults are getting ready to go out.
GAME SHOW HOST: (via TV) Animals for eight hundred. Beware! This slimy animal is known for having the most Teeth and could be chomping its way through your backyard right now!
GLORIA: Now see, Arthur. That’s a mustache.
ART: pff.. He’s a gameshow host.
GLORIA: So?
ART: It’s a TV mustache.
YOUNG GAYLE: (whispers to self) What is an Alligator? [buzzer on tv]
GAME SHOW HOST: (via TV) The answer was a Garden Snail.
YOUNG GAYLE: (whispers to self) What is a Garden Snail?
GLORIA: (to self) I’d like to give that fake mustache a yank.
ART: What?
GLORIA: I said hurry up or we’re gonna be late.
GAME SHOW HOST: (via TV) Co-Authors, for six hundred. This Author’s title, “The Sound and the Fury” was taken from this playwright’s play which shall not be named.
YOUNG GAYLE: (whispers to self) Who is… hmmm…?
GLORIA: That trash will do nothing but rot your brain. You need to be practicing your monologues or watching Academy Award Winning Films.
YOUNG GAYLE: Mom.
GLORIA: Hurry up. Come on…
ART: Art takes time, baby. And right now this Art is looking like a masterpiece.
GLORIA: Yeah, a master piece of sh—
YOUNG GAYLE: Mom. Hey, Mom.
GLORIA: What, Gayle. What do you want? I’m busy, sweetie.
YOUNG GAYLE: I was just… um… I… did you…
GLORIA: Oh my fucking God, Arthur. No, you are not wearing that.
YOUNG GAYLE: Did you know that Snails have the most teeth of any animal?
GLORIA: What? Gayle, honey you need to speak up. I can’t hear you.
ART: I didn’t say anything!
GLORIA: I wasn’t talking to you!
ART: I didn’t even say anything… take a freakin’ chill pill will ya.
YOUNG GAYLE: Sorry.
GLORIA: What is it? What are you saying?
YOUNG GAYLE: Did you know that Snails have the most teeth of any animal?
GLORIA: No, sweetie, snails don’t even have teeth.
YOUNG GAYLE: Yes, they do. They have the most teeth.
ART: What?
GLORIA: Snails. She says they have the most teeth and I’m trying to explain to her that Snails don’t even have teeth…
ART: Nah, you know who's got the most teeth… It’s gotta be sharks. Or horses. Or maybe that old guy who works at Corndog Seven. (laughs)
GLORIA: (laughs but acts offended) Will you stop? That’s so rude. He just likes to smile.
ART: What’s he got to smile about with a mouth that like that?
GLORIA: A job. A paycheck. Money.
ART: Alright, alright…
ART comes out from the backroom. He’s wearing a full Tuxedo.
ART: Hey, Gnarly, how do I look?
GLORIA: A Tuxedo… wow. (laughs) You look ridiculous.
ART: I wasn’t asking you. So… Gnarly, whaddaya think?
YOUNG GAYLE: Like a million bucks, dude.
ART: See. She gets it. Come on baby, let’s motor. Gnarly, if anyone knocks on the door, don’t answer it. Especially if it's Dart Furniture. (fade)
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER BASEMENT - DAY
GAYLE is sitting in front of Walt’s cage holding a laptop.
WALT: I’m sorry… I just… I still don’t get it. How does… erm… why would…. how…. how…. How. How. It’s doing my head in just trying to even… fathom… how.. or why…
GAYLE: You still don’t think the Earth is flat? Okay… I get it. Here’s a really good one. Flat Earth Tony has a great channel. A really well rounded approach to Flat Earth Videography… His videos helped me sorta… breakthrough and understand Flat Earthery on a deeper level.
FLAT EARTH TONY: Hey, everybody it’s Flat Earth Tony and—-
VIDEO on COMPUTER starts to play, but then freezes…
GAYLE: It’s loading. Just wait one... Second. Here… I’ll just skip ahead that usually gets it going…
FLAT EARTH TONY: —if the earth is twenty-five thousand miles in circumference then there should be a drop in the curvature of the earth of about eight inches by the mile. Every mile is eight inches, so two miles is sixteen. Thirty-two. Sixty-four. One Hundred and something. You get what I'm saying. If that’s as far as the eye can see then why isn't the curvature there? Why can't you see it?
Gayle pauses the video.
WALT: Did I see a picture of Alf in that slideshow? What does he have to do with all this Flat Earthery business?
GAYLE: I mean he gets around to the Alf stuff in the third hour of the video. That’s when everything really starts to tie together.
The BASEMENT DOOR opens and Randy enters. A suitcase drags behind him. Phone and keys are in hand. Randy looks ready to hit the road.
RANDY: Hey Walt, I’m gonna need to snap a quick picture of you, so…. Eh, I guess you look fine how you are. Say cheese.
SOUNDS | CAMERA SNAP
RANDY: Dammit. Hold on. I had the Rabbit filter on. (beat) Had you looking like Bunnicula. Okay, one more. And this time try to look more Freemasony. (Beat) Or don’t, I guess. Just sit there looking all depressed and shit.
SOUNDS | CAMERA SNAP
RANDY: All right. I will see you two on Sunday.
GAYLE: Have fun. Wait, what?
RANDY: I’m about to hit the road. Just needed to snap a quick pic of Wally here so I have some sort of proof to show Newsham. Pics or it didn’t happen, right?
GAYLE: Where are you going?
RANDY: What do you mean where am I going? I’m going to Conspiracy Con.
AD COPY FOR CONSPIRACY CON
CONSPIRACY CON AD COPY: There’s only one place to go when you’re looking for a little bit of mystery and a whole lot of fun. It's the 12th Annual Conspiracy Con in Kansas City. With scheduled guest appearances from: Doug Newsham. Jesse Ventura. Mark Sargent. Flat Earth Tony. And more… Leave your inhibitions at the door. Along with any outside food and beverages or tobacco products. Come early and be treated to a special guest performance by Master P and the No Limit Soldiers featuring Twista, Whitesnake and Charles Stiles from Mystery Diners. But that’s not all. You asked for it and we listened… This year ConspiracyCon will feature Public Bathrooms and a Public execution of James Thomas Waller. The Stephenville Steven Strangler. That’s right. We’ve worked out a sweet deal with the State of Missouri and we’ll be bringing an end to a life and bringing it to you LIVE at Conspiracy Con. Don’t forget to stop by the Sword Booth and check out our massive selection of Used Swords. For a limited time only, enjoy special VIP access to a Live Murder Mystery Competition! A man was recently found strangled to death in Room 314. Police are still investigating. Leads are drying up. But as a guest of the Four Seasons Hotel and Conspiracy Con you have access not yet available to the general public. Use it to your advantage. Solve the murder before the police do and you might even get a podcast out of it. It’s the 12th Annual Conspiracy Con in Kansas City.
SOUNDS | DOOR SLAM
RANDY and GAYLE are arguing, not quite shouting, but both very frustrated.
RANDY: Of course I’m going. I don’t even know why this is an issue.
GAYLE: This was supposed to be our vacation, Randy. We’ve been talking about it for months.
RANDY: Yeah, in a perfect world… we’d absolutely both go, but we each agreed to take on certain responsibilities when we decided to bring a Freemason into this household. If we’re both at Conspiracy-Con then who's gonna feed the Freemason? Who's gonna take him out to use the bathroom?
GAYLE: You’re the one who wanted a Freemason. I don’t see why I should be the one getting punished for it.
RANDY: It’s only two days.
GAYLE: Randrew, you cannot leave me here alone with him. That man is a vampire!
RANDY: What? You’ve got garlic. (laughs)
GAYLE: Why are you laughing? It’s not funny.
RANDY: He’s not a vampire. Jeez.
GAYLE: You don’t know that! There’s no way you could possibly know that!
RANDY: Don’t worry I’ll be back before you know it. And the best part is that our lives will be changed forever… and for the better. I’ll score us some free swag, bro-down with Newsham, and find an organic moment to tell him we kidnapped a Freemason. Then we’ll probably high-five and fly back on his private jet and within a few weeks I’ll have my own show on The Newsham Network.
GAYLE: You really think so?
RANDY: I do. I really do.
GAYLE: What are you going to do if you run into Karen and Mike?
RANDY: I don’t know, I’ll probably tell them they can fuck off or something.
GAYLE: And you remembered to pack your toothbrush, right?
RANDY: It’s just two days. I won’t need it.
Gayle hugs Randy.
RANDY: Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.
INT./EXT. RANDY’S VAN / HIGHWAY – DAY [DRIVING]
RANDY is driving and listening to NEWSHAM on the radio.
NEWSHAM: (on radio) And that my friends is exactly how the Russians have been using YouTube algorithms, subsonic frequencies and low budget cartoons to brainwash our children. Once you get someone to believe in something you can get them to believe in anything. That’s a quote from THE A.J. Parkinson. (pause) As I wrap up another installment of The Newsham Hour I just want to remind everyone that I’ll be at Conspiracy-Con this weekend in Kansas City. The Four Seasons has reserved what they refer to as the Executive Ballroom for my talk on Censorship, Cancel Culture and De-platforming. For those of you who can’t make it… don’t fret… the event is gonna be live-streamed to every corner of Earth. No matter where you are in the world you’ll be able to hear every word of it.
RANDY: Oh, don’t worry, Newsham. I’m coming.
NEWSHAM: (on radio) Folks, the can is open. The worms are here. Peel your Eyeballs people. And until next time, Stay Positively Paranoid.
RANDY: He’s gonna love this Freemason. (beat) How was I the first person who ever thought of doing this? It was so easy.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME
Gayle is watching a VIDEO ON COMPUTER. Gayle’s Australian Boss from the Pet Store is Hosting some sort of Ghost Hunters style show called, Six Feet Down Under.
MILLIE: On this episode of Six Feet Down Under we continue our international tour as we spend the night at the number three most bone freezing haunted building in the United Kingdom. Hampton Court Palace. The intimidatingly spectacular Hampton Court Palace is most known for its historical connection to the Tudors, the Annual Artisan Festival, and also… its ghosts…
GAYLE: (gasps) Oh my God, I would never…
MILLIE: According to other YouTube videos I’ve watched, the ghost of Henry the VII has been spotted standing by the Pool looking quite annoyed with everyone mucking about in his home. While we were there we managed to capture this image of an orb floating about in the hedges of the Triangular Maze just north of the palace…
WALT: You know, it’s really not all that haunted from what I’ve seen of it.
GAYLE pauses the video.
GAYLE: What? Do you need to go to the bathroom again?
WALT: No. I was just mentioning that I’ve actually been there before. Inside the Palace. On a tour. It’s not all that scary in person.
GAYLE: According to my boss you need a fourth dimensional brain to experience supernatural hauntings. Do you have a fourth dimensional brain?
WALT: No, I don’t believe so.
GAYLE: Probably why you didn’t see any ghosts. I can help you fix it. Your brain I mean. I can make it so that you’ll be able to see ghosts. From what I’ve heard it’s a pretty easy procedure.
WALT: No. I’m good.
GAYLE: Let me know if you change your mind.
WALT: Will do. (pause) So, uh, where’s Randy going?
GAYLE: I’m not supposed to tell you.
WALT: I understand. He’s the boss eh
A beat.
GAYLE: Randy’s going to Conspiracy-Con. It’s in Kansas City. Every year they hold it in a different city and usually we can’t afford to make this trip, but since it was so close this year, we’d be able to drive. Or at least that was the plan. Before the new plan killed the old plan.
WALT: I assume I was the new plan then?
GAYLE: You are correct, Sir.
WALT: You know, Gayle, I’m willing to just walk right out of here and never say a word of any of this… to anyone. I’d go on about my life and you’d be free to go join your partner.
GAYLE: Good one, Wally. I wish.
FOUR SEASONS FRONT DESK
RANDY at the Four Seasons check-in desk.
FRONT DESK: Welcome to the Four Seasons Hotel. Are you here for the convention?
RANDY: You know it. Spirit of St. Louis here to represent.
FRONT DESK: What’s the name?
RANDY: Reservations should be under The Flat Truth. Or Dunning or Dunning-Kruger. Randy.
FRONT DESK: Dunning, Karen?
RANDY: (offended) No. Dunning, Randy.
FRONT DESK: Here we go… looks like we have you staying in The Blue Lagoon Room.
RANDY: Blue Lagoon? Like Brooke Shields?
FRONT DESK: Yes. Named and thematically decorated as a tribute to the 1980 Cinematic Classic, The Blue Lagoon.
RANDY: Can I transfer my reservation to a different… I don’t know…less horny room? My wife booked this a few months ago when we thought we’d both be coming on this trip and now its just me and…
FRONT DESK: Ah. Loud and clear. Give me just one moment. I’ll see what I can do. You know for just triple the price we can convert your Hotel Room into a Non-Fungible Token…
RANDY: The fuck good would that do anybody…?
From the back of the crowded hotel lobby comes a commotion.
NARRATOR (V.O.): A rippling wave of whispers passes over the crowd of Conspiracy Theorists. Randy turns to see who it is… and ah… fuck me, goddammit. It’s Karen.
RANDY: Karen.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Karen moves through the crowd, making sure to greet every face she encounters with a look of contempt and disgust.
MIKE: Get back, people! Get back!
SUPERFAN: Oh my gosh, I’m such a big fan. Can I—-
KAREN: Mike, could you…
MIKE: Back. Back the fuck up.
SUPERFAN: I just wanted a selfie with my queen.
MIKE: And Sirhan-Sirhan just wanted a selfie with RFK. Not on my watch. Back it up.
SUPERFAN: Karen! Karen, will you sign my forehead!
Karen and Mike approach the Front Desk counter and stand next to Randy.
KAREN: Oh, Hey Randy.
RANDY: Karen.
MIKE: And I’m Mike. Remember me?
RANDY: Where’s your mustache, asshole?
MIKE: At home. In my mustache box. With the rest of my mustaches.
KAREN: Where’s Gayle?
RANDY: She didn’t come.
KAREN: Rough patch? Splitting up? Alien Abduction? What’s going on big bro you can tell me…
RANDY: Everything’s fine. She’s just busy working on our secret project.
KAREN: That’s weird.
MIKE: So weird.
KAREN: What could possibly be more important than Conspiracy-Con in Kansas City?
RANDY: I guess you’ll find out soon enough, won’t ya?
KAREN: Hope this secret project is better than your Balloon video. What’s it at…? Oh yeah, six-hundred views.
MIKE: (laughing) Six-hundred views. I’ve watched Giraffe Birthing videos that have more views than that. (laughs)
KAREN: Gross, Mike.
MIKE: That’s what I’m saying.
RANDY: Not all of us are in it for the views, Karen.
KAREN: (sarcastic) Right… Honestly, Randy, I’m surprised you even showed up. You know after that whole Public Pooping Campaign you tried to launch.
RANDY: That’s fake news and you know it.
KAREN: (whisper) Too bad no one can tell the difference. I see your boy Ed couldn’t make it either… Is the foundation of the St Louis Flat Earth Society crumbling before our eyes?
RANDY: We’re stronger than ever.
KAREN: We’ll see about that. Mike! Let’s hit it.
Karen and Mike start to leave.
MIKE: You better watch your back, Randy Dunning
RANDY: Hey, you can’t say that. That’s my shit. You better watch your back, Mike Smith.
MIKE: I am watching it. I am watching it.
KAREN: Stop spinning around like a dipshit, Mike.
Karen and Mike dissolve into the CROWD. The FRONT DESK clerk returns.
FRONT DESK: Good news, Mr. Dunning. We were able to upgrade your room to the Big Harry’s Palace of Wonder Suite. It comes with mirrors on the ceiling and a heart-shaped vibrating bed.
RANDY: What the hell? You were supposed to make it less horny.
FRONT DESK: Are you sure that’s what we said?
DUNNING-KRUGER HOME
GAYLE: Here’s lunch.
WALT: Nice.
GAYLE: It's a Fried Chicken Kid’s Cuisine. Microwaved.
WALT: Look at that brownie. Phenomenal. I’ve never seen corn mixed into the chocolate before. Is that some sort of American custom?
GAYLE: No. That’s just what happens when you make Kid Cuisines. A little bit of everything gets into everything else.
WALT: Ah. Not a problem. I’ll pick it out.
GAYLE: What do you want to watch? More Six Feet Down Under? Or should I find some “How Did They Make That” videos?
GAYLE: (under breath) So do you want to watch that one or…
WALT: I don’t watch much Youtube to be honest. I do enjoy the Child biting his brother’s finger. That one cheers me up.
GAYLE: What? No YouTube… Are you serious?
WALT: Modern blasphemy, right?
GAYLE: I don’t how anyone couldn’t. I use it for everything. How do I change an Air Filter? Check YouTube. What’s this weird rash on my Leg? Check YouTube. Is Space real? Check YouTube. How can I watch the Batman trailer… YouTube. How does the Stock Market work? Check YouTube. Is a Woodpecker’s tongue really long enough to wrap around their skulls…
WALT: I think I get it.
GAYLE: It is. By the way.
WALT: What?
GAYLE: A woodpecker's tongue. It is long enough to wrap around their skulls.
WALT: Any reason you’re telling me this?
GAYLE: Because if it wasn’t for the internet I wouldn’t know that. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without it… probably go crazy… (weird laugh)
WALT: What else do you like to watch?
GAYLE: Oh, all the good stuff…. Cooking shows. Gameshows… Stuff like Totally Baked, Survivor Man, Big Bubba—
WALT: You watch Big Bubba?
GAYLE: I know its pretty cheesy and just a dumb reality show competition, but I—
WALT: I love Big Bubba.
GAYLE: I think the American version of Big Bubba is a bit different than the UK version.
WALT: I’ve been living here in the States for quite awhile now. I’m a BB fan going all the way back to the Chili Cookoff Alliance.
GAYLE: The CCA! That’s so cool! You’re an old school fan like me. This season has been crazy, right?
WALT: I’m a bit behind… (beat) for obvious reasons. But, I tell you what, I cannot for the life of me figure out why Shenade didn’t use the Showtime Veto on Miles-
GAYLE: Right! Like why even say you’re in an alliance with someone if you aren’t going to actually protect your alliance member when they’re in danger.
WALT: People always want to play such a passive Big Bubba game and like… I get it. I understand why they’d be hesitant, but you gotta know when it’s time to make a move and get someone out.
GAYLE: Exactly! The new players don’t have any respect for the strategy of Big Bubba. And that’s why they won’t win.
WALT: You know who I think has a good chance to take home the 500,000 this season?
GAYLE: Who? My favorite is Little Bob. He’s so funny. The way he says, “Deez my kicking socks…. Who took my kickin’ socks?”
WALT: I think Becca has worked herself into a nice strategic place in the house and if she can just get to Jury…
GAYLE: Becca went home last week!
WALT: What?
GAYLE: Yeah. 6-3 vote.
WALT: What happened to her alliance?
GAYLE: Two Scoops is DOA!
WALT: Ah, no… that’s a shame, really. (beat) I’ll definitely have to catch up once this whole being kidnapped and locked in a cage business is sorted. (laughs)
GAYLE: Right? (laughs)
Walt stops laughing when Gayle starts.
GAYLE: I mean I save all the episodes. We can go back to wherever you left off…
WALT: That… actually… sounds quite nice. I would like to do that.
GAYLE: Sweet! Then I’m making popcorn.
WALT: Truth be told I haven’t had the chance to watch Big Brother with another person in years. Not since my daughter Derby went away to Uni.
GAYLE: Same here. I usually just watch it while Randy’s doing his Newsham Hour transcriptions.
WALT: It's a much more entertaining show when you’re able to watch it with someone else.
GAYLE: Oh, I know! My Step-Dad Art is the one who got me into it. He used to send in audition tapes every year. We didn’t have a tripod so I’d have to hold the camera for him. He was a wannabe stage actor so he’d always ham it up too much though.
WALT: Well, that must have been fun. Growing up with a Parent who was pursuing their passion. That must have really inspired you.
GAYLE: I mean I guess, but he wasn’t around for very long. I had a few Dads. None of the other ones were as cool as Art though.
WALT: Ah. I see.
GAYLE: I was on TV a few times when I was a kid.
WALT: Yeah? So you were a bit of an actor yourself were you?
GAYLE: It wasn’t a big deal or anything. My parents used to send me out on all these auditions and one time I actually booked a gig as “Kid Drinking Milk.” It was for one of those Got Milk ad spots. The only thing was… I was never allowed to drink milk when I was growing up because of how the calcium would make my bones grow too fast and cause me to age out of possible casting opportunities. But for this gig I had to drink Milk. And I had to drink a lot of it. The day comes and the shoot takes For-e-ver. Hours of “take a drink of milk, smile.. say the line.” Take a drink of milk, smile.. say the line. We had to film the scene from a ton of different angles. Every take was another gulp of milk. And another. And another. And the body can only take so much milk and—
WALT: I think I see where this story is going.
GAYLE: Believe me you don’t. The doctors said they’d never seen anything like it.
WALT: Well… then, by all means, continue.
GAYLE: So, like I was saying, the human body can only take so much milk and when I hit my limit I hit it hard. I ended up slipping into a milk-induced coma for three weeks.
WALT: I didn’t even know that was a thing.
GAYLE: This is exactly what I was trying to tell you with that whole Flat Earth Horizon video I showed you earlier. You gotta start using the Internet more, Wally.
WALT: It’s a bit different.
GAYLE: Is it though?
WALT: Yes. It is.
GAYLE: when I woke up and found out they re-cast me.
WALT: You know… as soon as we’re caught up on the regular broadcast episodes of Big Bubba, we could put on the live feeds.
GAYLE: I gotcha. Here I am yapping away. I’ll put it on. What was the last episode you remember watching?
WALT: I believe it was the eviction when Denise went home by unanimous decision.
GAYLE: Oh, wow you do have a lot of catching up to do.
